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In this daring, groundbreaking book, journalist and author Janie McQueen unveils the truth behind the “new divorce gamesmanship”–vicious tactics that thrust victims into complex webs of legal tangles. Some even involve using women’s own protective laws against them. This so-called “gamesmanship” destroys spirits and hobbles divorce cases–and it is shockingly common. Yet because of the often shameful and soul-crushing consequences, the impact of these “games” is not talked about in the larger community. Until now.
- Sales Rank: #909313 in eBooks
- Published on: 2012-03-30
- Released on: 2012-03-30
- Format: Kindle eBook
About the Author
Janie McQueen's writing career includes news beats at major metro newspapers including The Greenville (SC) News and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and a stint as a speechwriter during the 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta. She is the author of three previous books, including The Magic Bookshelf, a parents' favorite and library staple that was also featured in Parenting's Babytalk magazine and as a series in The Los Angeles Times Book Review as part of Reading by 9, a children's literacy initiative. A native of Beaufort, SC, McQueen has a BA in English literature and writing from the University of South Carolina. She is married and the mother of four children, who range in age from 3 to 14. They live in metro Atlanta.
Most helpful customer reviews
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
A must read for all women in an abusive relationship and/or married to a narcissist
By J. Landers
If you are a woman in an abusive relationship and/or married to a narcissist, you must read this book!
Here's the latest twist - Abusive husbands now claiming their wives are the abusers and they are the victims!!
This ploy is just as ugly as it sounds. Some men are upending domestic violence laws so that their wives (who are the true victims) are arrested, prosecuted and even sentenced as abusers.
In the foreword to the new book, Hanging On By My Fingernails: Surviving the New Divorce Gamesmanship, and How a Scratch Can Land You in Jail, written by Janie McQueen, Tamara N. Holder, a Chicago criminal defense attorney, explains how the scam works:
"Unfortunately, many abusive men have learned to reshape domestic violence laws into another weapon of abuse. They are turning police and court protections upside down: The abusers themselves call 9-1-1; they have the women arrested for domestic violence; and then they do everything they can to try to have the women prosecuted and sentenced. In this way, the true victim is painted as the abuser.
There is a deeper motivation in using this ploy; to show a pattern of "violent conduct" on the woman's part so that the abuser can use it as evidence against her in a divorce or child custody battle. And this form of abuse is permanent. A bruise heals after a few days, but a conviction for a violent crime mars her record forever.
The set-up: A couple has a fight. Either the wife calls 9-1-1 in a desperate plea for police intervention, or the husband makes the call first in a preemptive attack. When the police arrive, the woman is visibly upset. The man, on the other hand, is extremely calm as he switches off his anger. The husband tells the police that his wife is delusional, crazy, and violent. Depending on how convincing the man's story is to the police officer, and the state's law on domestic violence, either both people are arrested or the woman is arrested.
In the case of a dual arrest, which some states discourage, the woman often tells prosecutors she doesn't want to testify against her husband, so the case is dismissed. Meanwhile, the husband is determined that she be prosecuted. Instead of the prosecutors looking into the history of the relationship before proceeding with the criminal case, they move full speed ahead. The wife is usually cut off from her husband's financial support so she cannot pay for defense against him. As a result, she is forced to take a plea to the charges because she cannot afford to defend herself. She fears taking the case to trial, losing, and going to jail."
Sadly, an arrest ploy as Ms. Holder describes above can have devastating consequences for the woman involved, including criminal trials, lingering criminal records, distorted custody battles and financial losses.
"Victims of these increasingly common set-ups face criminal charges alongside their emotionally depleting divorce and custody cases, which are, of course, by now stacked against them," Janie McQueen, the author of Hanging On By My Fingernails: Surviving the New Divorce Gamesmanship, and How a Scratch Can Land You in Jail, told me when I interviewed her for an article I was writing for my Forbes blog. "Even if the victim is able to gather the resources to hire a criminal defense attorney and get the charges dropped, she remains tied up with clearing her name and repairing all the damage while her spouse goes about setting up the rest of the divorce."
Ms. McQueen, a former crime reporter, was once a victim of these ploys herself.
"There is far more to this ploy than someone going from minding her household to sitting in jail," she explained. "The emotional trauma can't be overstated. What is happening is, the abuser is using the system to perpetuate the abuse. She thinks: who, then, is on her side?"
Unfortunately, these scams undermine sound public policy and create confusion that, paradoxically, ends up protecting abusers.
"Domestic violence issues have become so heated and politicized that it's difficult to make people even listen to what is really going on, to realize there is a difference between a true DV situation and this scam that manipulates the stiff arrest laws," Ms. McQueen concluded. "This is a situation that carries a `guilty until proven innocent' stigma. Even strong proponents of the Violence Against Women Act seem not to understand this backlash effect of the perpetrator playing the victim, or they perceive exposure of these very real set-ups as criticism that would weaken their lobbying efforts. I think swift arrest laws through VAWA are needed--but we need to figure out how to tweak the system to identify the true perpetrator."
Reading this book will hopefully help you avoid this devastating trap.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Divorcing? You need to read this. Now.
By LitChick
There are times when I find myself wishing I could somehow get a book into the hands of every woman out there.
I have a special section of my library which holds a few well-worn texts on Domestic Violence, the Family Court system, and related issues. There were only five "go-to" books there, until a moment ago - when I placed Janie McQueen's HANGING ON BY MY FINGERNAILS on the top of the stack.
Not to be pejorative toward other works on the referenced topic, but this isn't the usual offering on DV and the courts. This is the story of Ms. McQueen's own hellish struggle with the latest tentacle of the misogynistic chokehold that the "Father's Rights" movement has established within the FC system: Divorce Gamesmanship.
To sum it up: The male who wants to dump his wife/mother of the children somewhere while he sets himself up for the preferred stance in a divorce action is instructed to get her arrested. How? Bait, attack, assault - and if she defends herself, call 911. The System will take it from there.
The enduring power of this book is found in the fact that Janie McQueen doesn't merely explore, examine, and explain Divorce Games; no, she recounts it. She lays bare her own ordeal of being maneuvered onto the Gamesmanship hook, with her children used as the bait; then, she adroitly takes apart The Games, and the systems which support them. In her work to get the warning out to other women, Ms. McQueen relives a thousand betrayals, from the treachery and deceit of her well-coached ex to the church people whom she once considered friends. Perhaps the most devastating element of "Hanging On" - of this sick culture as a whole, really - is the enthusiastic, even eager defection of useful idiots to the side of the oppressors.
Then, she takes this essential guide to the next level: She shares the best advice, from the most knowledgeable experts, on what to do if you're caught in the Divorce Gamesmanship net.
Ms. McQueen is an author and a journalist, so of course, she reads like a dream. And the truth of her story hits the reader like a nightmare. It's heartbreaking at times (she brought tears to my eyes as she recalled childhood summers at her grandparents' home), infuriating at others; however, it's reality, and women who are thinking about divorce - or who suspect one is coming their way in the future - need to read this. Now. Before they take the bait.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Recommended for any one contemplating or going through a divorce.
By Sarah Miller
In addition to providing a wealth of legal advice, Janie expertly weaves her personal story of divorce, as well as those of other women and men who have fallen victim to divorce gamesmanship, into a tale that is at times both riveting and poignantly humorous. Having just gone through a divorce myself, I was fortunate not to fall victim to the kinds of underhanded maneuvers that fill the pages of this book. Yet, in the high stakes world we live in, I would not hesitate to recommend this book to any friend contemplating separation or divorce. Janie's knowledge of the legal pitfalls that can ensnare the unsuspecting can serve as a cautionary tale to anyone navigating the complexities of divorce today.
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